amourvincitomnia

2005-12-09T23:14:00.000-08:00

i love him just for being him..
for mkng me happy.....
im not used to things gng my way ......
i love him.....
cud say it a million more times yet it wudnt be enough ....
i hope i get to keep him...

2005-12-09T02:44:00.000-08:00

so he did msg ... and he called today....and i love him so much for dng so.....
maybe this time i wont get my heart broken.... : )

2005-12-08T06:44:00.000-08:00

ok
so i spoke to him aparrently he was really busy wid work ... i understand that but u know wat i dnt understand .... why he cant take out just 2 mins and msg me atleast that much .....
coz if u really want to u can find time for ppl whoo mean some thing to u unless of course u dnt wana to find time and if thats the case then i dnt think he shud bother and i dnt think i shud either.
coz if he really wanted something to happen bw us he wud atleast try just a lil. but not trying at all just shows how uninterested he is .... coz wen u like someone u usually tend to find time for them .
i know i shud give up coz i mite get hurt or thats wat im told......
but im gng to stay ... i guess im just hoping for a miracle ......
besides its been just a day i shudnt over react so much ... its just that ...today left like k all over again and i hate that feeling .

2005-12-08T04:41:00.000-08:00

i dont know why this is the way it is ....
is it coz ur busy??
or it coz u just dnt wana???
maybe im wrong god knows ...
but where im standing i feel lonely and forgoten

2005-12-08T03:18:00.000-08:00

If your not missed are you really wanted?

I thought I could drown in this pool of love.....
but I guess I dived hard into the shallow end.......

I walk right past you
here is nothin there,
that is true
why do i try why do i cry
I want you everytime i look in ur eyez
well things are never gonna change
so keep walking
without talking

If he wont work to get you, he wont work to keep you

How can i face tomorrow when im scared of yesterday?

I can't figure out if Im really over yOu..
or if I'm so good at pretending [I fool myself]

Why cant i just let you go Nd be dOne with it!!
Why can't i escape yOur memOry??

I say that im over himbut then why do i still care?

Here I am standing in front of you trying not to break down,
yet all you can do is smile ever so sweetly

Just when it feels like i can finally breath again...
i go and see your face again...
and now i'm back at square one

If it makes you happy then im fine, if it makes you sleep at night im not suicidal if it keeps you ignorent then the scars that lace my body are not proof of how much self-haterd boils in me if it keeps you from abandoning me im not crazy

Sometimes when I think of you it hurts me because I know that your not thinking of me

2005-12-08T02:53:00.000-08:00

"Maybe I'm afraid of the way I love you,
Maybe I'm amazed at the way you pulled me out of time
And hung me on a line
Maybe I'm amazed at the way I really need you
Maybe I'm a girl
and maybe I'm a lonely girl
Who's in the middle of something
That she doesn't really understand
Maybe I'm a girl and maybe you're the only man
Who could ever help me
Baby won't you help me understand. "

coz baby i need you

2005-12-08T02:42:00.000-08:00

im miss him so much ....*a tear drop rolls down cheek *

2005-12-08T02:30:00.000-08:00

somtimes i feel as if im really using him just so im happy......
but he does mk me happy.....
even if its for a lil while .....
he mks me feel good about myself. sometimes i feel really bad about the whole benifiting with him.
but sometimes but sometimes wen i really need a pick me up ....
he seems the best person to go to.
its nice this way its not complicted.....
this way my heart doesnt get broken .
and i still get wat i want.

2005-12-07T04:08:00.000-08:00

i really really really love him and i dont want to lose him at any cost !!!
im absolutely crazy about him... he being with someone else is something i wud so absolutly hate....
he doesnt care if im wid c or not .... for some reason it bothers me it doesnt bother him and that makes it bother me even more..... i wud just hate that fact of him being wid someone esle ... he doesnt care if im with him or without him..or so it seems... im in love with this guy ....and it scares me so much .... coz even i didnt know i cud love someone this much..... sometimes i fell so scared i will get hurt that i just wana run away..... the funny thing is i just wana run away into is arms.
its not that i cant live with out him.
i just dont want to live without him....
i really really really really love him more the anything.

2005-12-07T00:09:00.000-08:00

god only knows wats up with him....
he is acting all werid giving relationship advice... seriously its werid esp from him.... sometimes it seems like he does it just so he knows wats gng on without actually asking.... all of a sudden he just wants to talk to me more and be with me more....
all of a sudden he cares about my relationship with d and wants it to work out for me and him .
all of a sudden he is being more..... ( just cant find the word for it) .... like c.... kind off actually...
god only knows wats gng on......
normally i wud really care but i dnt ... not now... im so busy and wrapped up wid d that nothing else seems to matter .... but him ..... and im happy .

2005-12-06T22:45:00.000-08:00

"Shed a tear 'cause I'm missin' you
I'm still alright to smile
Girl,
I think about you every day now
Was a time when I wasn't sure
But you set my mind at ease
There is no doubt
You're in my heart now
Said, woman, take it slow
It'll work itself out fine
All we need is just a little patience
Said, sugar, make it slow
And we come together fine
All we need is just a little patience

I sit here on the stairs
'Cause I'd rather be alone
If I can't have you right now
I'll wait, dear
Sometimes I get so tense
But I can't speed up the time
But you know, love
There's one more thing to consider
Said, woman, take it slow
And things will be just fine
You and I'll just use a little patience
Said, sugar, take the time'
Cause the lights are shining bright
You and I've got what it takes
To make it,
We won't fake it
,I'll never break it
'cause I can't take it..
.*I BEEN WALKIN' THE STREETS AT NIGHT
JUST TRYIN' TO GET IT RIGHT
HARD TO SEE WITH SO MANY AROUND
YOU KNOW I DON'T LIKE
BEING STUCK IN THE CROWD
AND THE STREETS DON'T CHANGE
BUT BABY THE NAME
I AIN'T GOT TIME FOR THE GAME
'CAUSE I NEED YOU
YEAH, YEAH, BUT I NEED YOU,
I NEED YOU
I NEED YOU,
ALL THIS TIME **"

this was our song.......* smile *
stupid song

2005-12-06T21:20:00.000-08:00

ok so decide that im not gng to tell him that i love him at all ..... not until he says it so if he never says it to me then i most probably wont say it to him either . i think thats cool .... i will definately still tell him that im absolutely crazy about him but no i love you's but i do really love him like crazy.
totally and absolutely smitten . he means the world to me. and he knows it. and since he has got his new project he is so busy im gng crazy ... i misss him sooooooooooooooooo much... its already so hard being so far away from him this doesnt make it any easier .....i just want him !!!!!!

2005-12-05T03:06:00.000-08:00

relationships are really hard ... the only thing harder is being alone.

2005-12-04T04:12:00.000-08:00

he did it again ....he found one more way to irritate me...i just dont get it he wont talk to me ...but he will still want me on his friends lists..... he wont ignore me but he wont talk to me either.... its annoying... either he ignores me or talks to me but doing things like sitting rite at the back of me in church ... wen there r other places to sit... and standing rite in front of me and passing me and making me realize he exists is irritating...... coz i know he exists that is wat the problem is in the first place..... i know he exists and it hurts it hurts to look into his eyes...... it hurts to look at him at all.... do i hate him ofcourse not... i wish i did .... but i dnt .... i really like him i absolutely loved the 2 weeks i spent with him.... it was paradise on earth .... wen i was with him i actually felt that someone loved me really really loved me in his words loved me like something crazy..... he is the best kiss ive ever had.... the best date the best guy the best relationship...... thats why it hurts to look into his eyes ... im scared he will see wat i feel .... or maybe he wont even notice ....everytime i see him it brings bck memories and it hurts its been a yr ... shud have been easier now.... i turned and looked into his eyes today now thats achivement...... he came into my life just like that and walked out all the same without even a goodbye.... he mailed and said he still loved me and that he wasnt really brkng up but he just cudnt manage a rel but he still left....i used to wonder earlier why????
but now i dnt care ..... all i want is to be able to smile and say hi to him wen he passes by
and i hope one day i actually have the strenght to do that.....
as of now all i know after the whole sk thing (sk- the first guy i really loved) , i realized that if i didnt let anyone into my heart i will never get hurt again... this was the first time i thought maybe.....but i guess i was wrong... i dnt get it why do guys lie ... the bad guys lie to get u to bed and the good guys to get into ur heart .
and im always the stupid one who always lets the wrong guy into her heart . and always manage to get myself hurt.... just once i want the rite guy ... i want a fairy tale.
but if i dnt let anyone in i may never know who my fariy tale is .... iv just let another person in and if this time it doesnt work out i swear to god im not going to get hurt again coz im not gng let anyone in , im not gng to let anyone have me not my body and sure as well not my heart.
coz i cant handle getting hurt again.

2005-12-02T04:08:00.000-08:00

im not upset .... but if it doesnt work out i cant fuck it ....
i cant i cant i cant i cant i cant ..
coz it is a big deal. im in love with you its not something im gng forget just like that really
its not gng to be easy, at all.
i do know it may not work out ofcourse now i think it most probably wont...im not saying fall in love with me....it wud be great if u do really but ... all im saying is dnt take so much time...
reasons for that firstly... i dnt like waiting really...secondly the more i wait the worse it gets for me to move away if i have to .. so obvs i cant just fuck it....
and i love u ... if i cud walk away i wud have already done it but i cant i dont want to ....
i love u its not that easy to forget ,....
and like i said earler about the forming such a rel and then just letting it go ... its crazy its stupid its scary ... i dnt want to do that . i dont
but if i have to i will , i will find a way to , if i have to i will take all the courage i possible have and walk away....
i just want u to know that i cant just fuck it !!!!!
i love u damn it u mean much more to me than that ..... its high time u realize it.
if u didnt mean so much to me ...i wudnt be putting so much effort into any of this .
if u didnt mean so much to me then i cud just fuck it... but fact of the matter remains that u mean the world to me... its not something whch is given up easily , its not something whch is forgoten easily......
and def not something u can walk away from just like that ....
sometimes i really do wish u didnt meant so much to me .... maybe then it wud be so much easier maybe then this conversation wudnt have come up.
coz i cant just fuck it and im not going to pretend that i can,......
it may be easy for u nice to know good for u but its not gng to be easy for me .. so never again suggest that i shud just fuck it... im not like u i dnt forget things easily... wen i fall in love its always real hard....
its not something that comes and goes .... wen i love someone it cant be prayed away or wished away or willed away or anything... not even fade away it has to wear out......so sorry i cant fuck it....
u on the other hand may do wat u very well plz ... coz if it doesnt work out ud be doing wat u want and id me wat i want.... but i will still love ,ll just find a way to move on.
i really love u ur not someone i can just forget like that ... so sorry I CANT JUST FUCK IT.

2005-12-02T03:49:00.000-08:00

so he is comming again this dec....
and im wondering about the whole kiss thing... shud i shudnt i ...
ofcourse i wunt initiate it but wat if he does try and kiss me again then... shud i respond... i mean he is seeing someone else...ofcourse he thinks it shudnt matter coz he is the one cheating not me...but still how can i cheat with my best friend ??? i most probably will end up doing so but still
it just doesnt feel rite ..... espcl since she already hates me and already acused him on cheating with .....
obvs his girl thinks he has feelings for me but i already crossed that bridge no gng back....
hopefully he just brks up wid her then i wudnt feel so guilty.
i mean ofcourse i do want to kiss him ive been wanting to kiss him for a couple of yrs now...
dont think im gng pass the chance up just yet...
anyway lets just wait for the time to come.... it shud be fun .... last time we went for a late eve walk he wants to do the same this time... hopefully make up for the things we didnt do last time ....*smiles*
he is always gng to be my best friend no matter wat we go thru ....

2005-12-02T03:20:00.000-08:00

ask why red coz its the colour of passion . ask why i write with it its coz thats wat this relationship is based on.my relationship with c.
i think its its pretty much a really great relationship.
it works well .... he calls if im free i go ... we have fun i go home happy...it may not be long term happiness but sometimes that doesnt matter. just because u dnt get wat u deserve from one person doesnt maen u can t get it from another . and doesnt everyone just want to be happy... its not its meaning less .... both of us have just attached the rite amount of meaning to this to not make it seem meaniless and also keep it uncomplicated.
the only problem whch arises is that i love d so much that i just dont want to be with anyone but him.
yet the way i feel wen im with c just makes me wana go back ..... time and time again .
i now that if i really get into a rel then this wud have to stop ...so now most of my rel wil be abt wats more imp this or the rel???
most cases id try and choose this but with d..... everything is diff....
with him not being able to kiss anyone else seems like something i wudnt mind doing....
as for now this game of privillages bw c and me is just great !!!
he is an awsome kisser and i just love the way he makes me feel ... the way.......im smiling rite now just thinking....
sometimes even happiness for a lil while is good ...its better than none at all aint it??

2005-12-02T03:05:00.000-08:00

i really love this guy alot he knows it and i say it now and then thru msgs and ims.....ofcourse he doesnt really reply as such ... like i said he doesnt really love me....
but there are so many times im having an absolutley nice conversation with him over the phone and i want to tell him that i love him but i dont ...i really really want to just scream it out ..coz im absolutly crazy about him but stil i dnt ..... im just not sure if i shud ... wat wud he say ... most probably nutting whch is even worse ... he wud change the subject it wud just get ackward hed never say it back . he mite even say thank u whch i so totally hate .i mean come on someone is telling u that the love u really say something sensible .
shud i bother so much abt if he wil say it back i mean i alreay know he wont thats why havent really said it so far ... but shud it matter shud i just say it...
but ocourse it shud matter im saying it to him only for the love of god it has to matter if it didnt matter i wudnt be taking so much trouble and deciding whether i shud say it...
i dont lets see.....
i just dnt get this why is it so hard to tell the person u love u love them ... afterall its them u love..
its really easy to telll the rest of the world how much u love him .... which really is a whole lot...
then why cant i just pick up the phone and tel him i love u 3 words how tough can it be....
i used to call g and say it wenever i wanted why is this so tough ....
???????????

2005-12-01T02:56:00.000-08:00

the best friend......
the best friend who i used to be in love with and he is well aware of the fact .... said we shud stay friends...
and so we did ... the other guy made it comparatively easier for me ... .. the easiest was wen he started seeing someone else....ofcourse wen he started seeing someone else i hated it so much even hate is not such a strong word. for the way i felt.......just that all of a sudden after having him all to myself for 5 yrs i have to share him with someone else doesnt make me feel really thrilled u know.even moreso wen his darling girlfriend hates me for god only knows wat reason .... for the love of god he loves u be happy wat more do u want... if he wanted to be with me he had five fucking yrs to do that so why cant she just get it.
he is coming here next month he says he has to meet his girlfriend.... making it a point to letme know that he has to meet her and doesnt want to ... and that he may break up with her soon ... whch honestly im happy about ... onlycoz she hates me or so he says and apparently wen he meets me wen he is here he cant tel her that he is meeting me coz she will get upset. firstly she shud trust him.... and secondly she shud know by now that he aint gng to stop tklng to me coz of her.
she shud be happy he atleast decided to say yes to her... and stop trying to change things more between me and him ....
seriously its already changed enough !!!

2005-12-01T02:00:00.000-08:00

maybe im wrong to think that nothing but marriage matters to him . he says he deos nt belive in commitment before marriage so i seriously dnt know wat he plans to tel me wen im 21 obvs acc to it has no validation ... u can treally have a relationship without having a commitment....and thats wat i want so i dnt understand wat he can possibly say when he does decide ...it still wont be a commitment its not marriage so wat is it ... wats it gng to be ... im not waiting longer than that i need an answer .
wat if he says he needs more time i dont think he needs mor time i think beyond that he wud be just making excuses...
the relationship i have with him is just so awsome its so scary at times to know that there is no one else in this world with whom i can share this same rel . i think the sooner people realize that not everyone is the same and not evrything happens the way u want it .... and as soon as people stop judging each other and start a lil self judgement this world will be a better place to live in and an easier place.... u wont let go of ppl so close to u so easily coz ull know there may never be another person like him/her agian .... u may never have this same relationship with anyone else again .
thats wat ive realized with this guy that and the fact that i share such an intimate relation with him is really scary ...
so wat happens if i dont marry him ???
i have shuch an inmate rel wid him and i will have to watch him marry someonelse ???
someone who knows me so well ... will marry someone else....some one who knows wat i wud do in various diff stiuations not marry me and have those situations wid me but marry some one else and have those situations with them . that just doesnt seem rite...
wat am i supposed to do then walk away and pretend that nobody knows me so well ... and wait to meet another guy whch seems so unlikely with the scarcity of nice guy whch led me to find a guy in a whole different city in the first place anyway .and then wat start all over again to form a relationship whch may not even exist .
u re tel tales to re thread bonds from scratch ..... and again go thrut this whole cycle of shud i shudnt i ...
something i thought i escaped wen i found this guy .
for those ppl who plan to say maybe u havent found the rite guy yet ... coz wen u find the rite guy eveything is perfect ... seriously honey whch world r u living in .... nothing is perfect .. thats the way make it ...
and besides if u dnt know who the rite guy for me is dnt tell me who isnt .
unless ur ready to take me and introduce me to the guy who is ment for me dnt say anything abt the guy i have know.
coz i think he is perfect for me . u may not thing he is perfect whch is the whle point coz thats wat makes him my guy and not urs...
all i want is more than this............
i know he likes me and all that but i want more.....
and if i want something then i think i shud be allowed to ask .... coz its not like im asking for something i dont deserve.
and most imoprtantly above all else:-
i love him.

2005-11-30T05:07:00.000-08:00

i have absolutely no idea wat to write ,
i have to keep reminding myself ...no one knows who is writing this...
im not planing to write about wat i do and dont do but about wat i feel and im too afraid to say out loud .
but before anything a special thank you to the person who talked me into this ...u know who u r so thank u really...
as of now there is this guy i really like im not gng out with him i love him ... i know he really likes me ... plz note likes not loves... wat do i want... i want more i want him... i want a fairytale ... i want this to be the guy ...
wat does he want he wants time...
so i have given him time ... u cant force someone to love u .... even thou i sometimes wish that was possible
so it was decided that he wud telme wat he wants to do abt us...after i finish col ... that wud be around the same time i turn 21....
so far so cud .... but i cant wait longer than that i really cant...
he says i shud keep my options open rite now.... but i know that if i do go on or date with another guy or kiss someone else he doesnt like it ... so i dont .... coz i dnt want to let him done.... and its not like he doesnt do anything for me he is a great guy he keeps dgng things for me ..... sometimes he doesnt think something is imp but he will still do it coz i think its imp ...he just wants to see me happy....
the thing is he doesnt belive in commitment of anykind other than marraige .... so wat i dnt understand is wat he plans to tell me wen i turn 21 .... unless its marraige it obvs holds nothing real ..... and i dnt think he is gng to ask me to marry him then so.... god knows ...... i dnt want to waste my time but i dnt want to leave coz i love him alot...the relationship we have is amazing....
i just want him...
will be back tomorrow..